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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29657439">Dishonorable</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknownlifeform/pseuds/unknownlifeform'>unknownlifeform</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Mako green and Dust gold [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Daemons, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Heavy Angst, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, so you can imagine what the tags refer to, this is unfortunately canon compliant</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 22:14:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,925</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29657439</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknownlifeform/pseuds/unknownlifeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Humans had daemons. Monsters did not. It was a simple difference.<br/>Angeal didn't find it that simple anymore.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Mako green and Dust gold [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1801477</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Dishonorable</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Welcome back tooo heavy angst time with the daemon au! Please enjoy the pain</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>"So," Genesis said, "do you understand now?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Angeal didn't answer. He sat on the floor of the abandoned building Genesis had chosen as hideout. The weight on his back was strange, and yet horribly familiar. As if that </span>
  <em>thing</em>
  <span> had always been there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had no idea what he had expected, chasing Genesis. Being a SOLDIER was Genesis's pride, the crowning achievement of his whole life. Angeal had wanted answers. He had demanded that Genesis explain to him what kind of reasons he had for his actions.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The story of human experimentation had sounded too absurd for Angeal to believe it at first. At least, until Genesis had sprouted a wing. Until he'd pushed and prodded at Angeal and proved that whatever had been done to Genesis had been done to both of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Shinra knew all along. Hollander kept records on us as we grew up. At least, he did for me. My parents-" there was such burning resentment in Genesis's voice "-sent him regular updates. Once a month when I was a baby, and once every six months after I turned four. Hollander showed me. Apparently I came out better than what was expected, you know? It was quite the result, that my body lasted so long as it did before crumbling."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Angeal felt fine. Physically, at least. He hadn't noticed any discomfort he couldn't explain. Genesis said his wounds failed to heal, that he got random pains without any apparent cause.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hollander had said something about Angeal being more successful. He had said that when Genesis wasn't in the same room, because everyone knew how competitive Genesis was and Hollander was smart enough not to risk pissing him off. Not that Angeal felt particularly satisfied about the </span>
  <em>results.</em>
</p><p>
  <span>He wondered whether he would also start degrading, sooner or later. Being less genetically unstable didn't mean entirely stable either.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"</span>
  <span>Did my mother..." Angeal trailed off, not wanting to end that sentence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Send Hollander updates? Apparently not. I'd tell you I would be surprised if she had, but I'm starting to doubt I know her half as well as I thought I did."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Angeal was as well. His mother had told him that she used to be a nurse before moving to Banora. She never talked much about the past. Angeal knew her parents had died when she was young, that her life had been hard, he had assumed there were just painful memories she hadn't wanted to remember.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now he wondered how much of what Gillian had told him was true. His mother had always taught him to be honest and truthful. Don't lie, she said, because lying is dishonorable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Had that righteous upbringing been there because she had worried of what Angeal might have become otherwise? Had she thought that she had to make sure her son had strong values, least he turned less than human?</span>
</p><p>"We had to leave Shinra," Melpomene cawed. She stood on a table, looking down at Angeal. "They used us like guinea pigs, and never even had the dignity of telling us."</p><p>"They-" Angeal made to stand up, but found himself pitching backwards.</p><p>"I know. Fucks with your balance, doesn't it?" Genesis said, almost conversationally. "Don't you think there is a certain irony in this? Both our daemons took bird forms."</p><p>"I didn't know of this," Nora murmured.</p><p>Nora had protested when the explanations had begun. She had been arguing animatedly with Melpomene, saying that if Angeal hadn't been entirely human she would have known. She was his soul. She knew all of Angeal.</p><p>Now Angeal felt only confusion and fear coming from her side of the bond.</p><p>Genesis didn't say anything, but threw a glance at Melpomene. She ruffled her feathers under his gaze.</p><p>So they had argued, Angeal thought. He could guess what was going on. Genesis thought Melpomene should have known, even if on some subconscious level. Melpomene argued she hadn't. He knew them well enough to guess what must have happened between them.</p><p>Privately, Angeal couldn't help but think that maybe Nora had known. Maybe she herself hadn't been aware of it, but she had some kind of inkling-</p><p>
  <em>Stop that,</em>
  <span> Nora thought, </span>
  <em>I had no idea.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I believe you</em>
  <span>, Angeal thought back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If he couldn't believe his soul, who else could he trust?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>When they had been inducted into SOLDIER and Shinra had stretched their bond out, Angeal had been in agony. The pain had been almost unbearable. He had felt sick the first time he had seen Nora fly away from him. Almost betrayed.</p><p>"If you knew how it felt to fly free, you wouldn't be angry," Nora had said. "There is nothing quite like the feeling of wind beneath your wings."</p><p>Now Angeal understood. He hated those limbs that grew out of his back. They were proof of what he was. A thing that shouldn't exist.</p><p>Genesis had told him to learn how to use his wings. Angeal hadn't wanted to, but there had been logic there. He was with Genesis now. Deserters. If anything could give them an advantage over Shinra, it had to be used, regardless of how Angeal felt about it.</p><p>It had been hard at first. He had shook and almost fallen against the ground, the motions unfamiliar. Genesis had followed him closely to make sure Angeal didn't crash. It had taken him a while to get the hang of it.</p><p>Now, Angeal found that he didn't want to stop.</p><p>He pushed himself higher. Not too fast, his ears were human enough that sudden changes of pressure hurt. His muscles ached with unfamiliar effort, but it wasn't the kind of pain that meant he should stop and rest. He could still go on for a while.</p><p>He watched the landscape below him. It was terrifying, his hindbrain screaming that he was about to fall to his death. It was exhilarating.</p><p>Something brown passed him on his left.</p><p>"Catch me!" Nora shouted.</p><p>
  <span>Angeal chased her. She was faster, better at this than he was </span>
  <span>thanks to</span>
  <span> years of practice. Definitely more aerodynamic than him, what with Angeal's asymmetrical wings and human body. It was hard to breathe, if he moved too fast. Still, he tried to reach her as best as he could, pushing himself harder.</span>
</p><p>It was beautiful to see her like this. She easily followed air currents, dancing in the wind. If Angeal fell too far back, she'd stop and fly in circles until he was close again. Her happiness at being in the air echoed back to him, together with the excitement of finally being able to share this with him.</p><p>Angeal wasn't quite sure how to go back to the hideout from here, but he trusted Nora to know the way. He didn't even care about going back, right now. He couldn't stay up here forever, but he would for as long as he could. He could enjoy this moment. The flight, the feeling of being one with Nora in a way he had never experimented before.</p><p>For a while, he could forget what he was.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>"Where is Melpo, Genesis?" Angeal asked.</p><p>Genesis didn't look up from the pages. Even on the run from Shinra, he still never took his nose out of Loveless. If possible, he seemed even more obsessed with it "Away."</p><p>"She's been away for three days."</p><p>"And?"</p><p>"Just wondering. Did the two of you argue again?"</p><p>It wouldn't be the first time she gave Genesis the cold shoulder after an argument. Those two were that way. Always bickering. It wasn't rare for them to openly ignore each other, pointedly not looking at the other as they went on with their lives. Ridiculously proud, the both of them.</p><p>But it wasn't smart for her to stay away for so long now. They were planning what to do now, and they all agreed that until they were ready for their next move they had to keep a low profile. It wouldn't do for Shinra to spot them.</p><p>If they somehow found Melpomene while she was alone, she would be vulnerable. Angeal had seen take out someone's eyes before, but she was still just a magpie. She didn't have Nora's size or talons.</p><p>Genesis snapped the book shut. "What is it to you? Is she my daemon, or yours?"</p><p>"I was only wondering-"</p><p>"Well, wonder inside your own head."</p><p>Angeal frowned. "I didn't mean to-"</p><p>Genesis stood. "To mind my business?"</p><p>"Where are you going?"</p><p>"Some of us have better things to do than look at other people's daemons."</p><p>"There's something wrong," Nora said, as Genesis left the room.</p><p>"Do you think he's degrading too fast?" Angeal asked.</p><p>Angeal was sure by now that the degradation must have been affecting Genesis's mental state. He knew how Genesis was under stress. Irritable and unpredictable, but never reckless. If anything, his mind became all the sharper when there was an emergency to deal with.</p><p>Yet now his reasoning seemed to falter. He'd suggest actions that were just strategically stupid. He made bizarre leaps of logic, and become furious when Angeal tried to point it out. He had turned mistrustful – not that Angeal could entirely blame him, but they were on the same side there. They were both victims.</p><p>"I don't think that's all."</p><p>Angeal turned to Nora, perched on some broken machinery. "What do you mean?"</p><p>"I saw something, some days ago," Nora said. "I didn't mention it because I don't think I should have seen it. It was a private moment. Genesis was holding Melpo, and..."</p><p>"And?" Angeal asked, as Nora trailed off.</p><p>"He was crying, Angeal. Actual tears. And Melpo looked like she was trying to burrow herself into his skin. They seemed so... desperate."</p><p>Angeal wasn't sure when the last time he had seen Genesis cry had been. Maybe that time when they were sixteen, and a landmine had exploded right next to Genesis, and Angeal had had to hold him still while the doctors took metal fragments out of wounds that would have left any unenhanced man with permanent scars. Even then, he remembered Genesis fighting to keep his tears firmly inside his eyes.</p><p>There was something Genesis wasn't telling them. Maybe Angeal should find Hollander and shake some answers out of him, but he didn't want to be around that man any more than he had to. He had no choice but to wait for Genesis to explain.</p><p>Angeal rubbed a hand down his face. There was a persistent, dull headache that had been plaguing him for a couple days now. The stress and anger had to be getting to him. It was starting to get hard to think. And they didn't have any SOLDIER grade painkillers around here.</p><p>It'd better pass soon. He and Genesis would move in a week or two. Nora didn't agree with their plan, but Genesis had managed to convince Angeal. It had to be done. Angeal needed answers, and he needed them from his mother. He had to know why.</p><p>Hollander kept saying Angeal was more than human. Angeal needed Gillian to tell him that he wasn't.</p><p>Even if he wasn't sure whether he could trust his mother's words anymore. Her lessons of honor apparently hadn't applied to her.</p><p>They probably didn't quite apply to Angeal either.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Angeal felt numb.</p><p>There wasn't really any other word to describe his current state of being. He knew, rationally, what he should feel. Anger. Pain. Regret, maybe. His hometown was destroyed. His mother was dead.</p><p>His mother, who had preferred to take her own life than to live with her shame. Shame for her actions? Or for who her son had became? For <em>what</em> her son was?</p><p>Hollander had said he and Genesis had done a good job. Angeal had almost felt like strangling him with his bare hands. Genesis had seemed almost proud of himself. Angeal had watched him clean his parents' blood off his sword, and suddenly wondered just how much of Genesis was still Genesis.</p><p>Maybe the question was how much of Angeal was still Angeal. Dreams, honor, it was what he had built his life around, and yet now they all seemed meaningless.</p><p>Nora was not speaking to him. Going against Shinra for what they had done to them she could do. She wouldn't accept slaughter. That was the word she had used. Angeal had not been the one to kill most of the people in Banora, but neither had he tried reign Genesis's anger in. There had been indescribable pain in Nora's eyes when Angeal had come back. What kind of man can make his own daemon feel betrayed?</p><p>Angeal had no idea if he could even truly be called a man.</p><p>He sat under the sun of Modeoheim, that was shining way too brightly for the kind of mood he was in. The light reflecting against the snow made his eyes ache. He probably deserved it.</p><p>He should have made Genesis reason. He should have at least contained his damage. He should have gone to his mother and shown her he wasn't what she feared he had become. He should have-</p><p>It was with a small surprise that Angeal suddenly realized that he felt number.</p><p>Not emotionally, exactly. Nor physically. It was like being suddenly plunged in freezing water. A feeling of nothingness swelling inside his chest, somehow both emptying and filling him.</p><p>Angeal had seen people who lost limbs in battle, and failed to realize it. People who made to keep going because the shock blocked out the pain. Noticing the absence of a part of you can be surprisingly hard, because your mind refuses the notion at first.</p><p>It was only after a few second of that bizarre sensation that Angeal realized that he couldn't feel Nora.</p><p>He had just enough time notice it that suddenly she was back, right there where she belonged. Their bond seemingly vanished for a few breaths, before snapping right back into place.</p><p>It was long enough for Angeal to panic.</p><p>He barely registered it as he began to run in the direction Nora was. He used their bond like a compass, guiding him to her, praying that it wouldn't disappear again.</p><p>She crashed against his chest with enough force to knock a weaker man to the ground.</p><p>She was repeating his name under her breath. Her talons clawed at his chest, leaving open gashes that would surely require dressing. No doubt she felt the pain as well, radiating through their bond. Angeal didn't complain. He drew her close, despite her being way too big to comfortably fit in his arms.</p><p>"What was that?" he whispered, fingers running on her feathers.</p><p>Her head brushed against his cheek as Nora tucked herself against Angeal's neck. "I don't know. I don't know, Angeal, I don't fucking know."</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>"Spill."</p><p>It wasn't a request. Nora ordered it, staring down at Melpomene. They had found her on her own, holed up in one of the warmer rooms.</p><p>"It got you too," Melpomene said. She didn't even ask what Nora was talking about.</p><p>Angeal crossed his arms. They hadn't asked Genesis. They could have, but Angeal hadn't wanted to confront him. There was a time when he and Genesis would tell each other everything. Right now, Angeal found himself unable to open up with him.</p><p>So they had spent the next couple days tracking down Melpomene. She was uncharacteristically subdued, as of late. Always hiding somewhere.</p><p>"What got us?"</p><p>"Degradation."</p><p>Nora clicked her beak. "We aren't degrading."</p><p>"Oh, you aren't?"</p><p>"Angeal is fine."</p><p>He was. His body wasn't falling apart the way Genesis's was. Sure, there was that annoying headache that refused to leave him, but that was nothing compared to what Genesis was going through.</p><p>"If you say so," Melpomene said. "But Genesis also says that he's perfectly in control of his mental faculties, and I think all of us can agree that's bullshit."</p><p>"If Genesis is losing it, shouldn't you be losing it too?" Angeal murmured. On the rare occasions that he saw Melpomene and Genesis speaking, she always seemed so rational. She had always been the voice of reasons between them, but the difference between Melpomene's rationale and Genesis's increasingly nonsensical paranoias was becoming jarring.</p><p>"...it keeps getting longer."</p><p>"What does?" Nora asked.</p><p>"The times when I can't feel him. It was just... a second or two, at first, but it's been getting worse. I haven't felt our bond in almost a day now."</p><p>She said it so calmly. As if she were talking about the weather, and not something that made Angeal's knees weak. His horror was echoed by Nora's own.</p><p>"Why?" Nora's voice was getting louder, more high pitched.</p><p>"I told you. It's the degradation. Hollander told us that the instability is messing up the balance of our Dust. It's causing the bond to fail. You've felt it too, haven't you?"</p><p>Angeal had to lean against the wall. Genesis hadn't said anything about this. He had been keeping it to himself. Normally, Angeal would be over himself with worry about his best friend, but this wasn't just about Genesis. This was also about <em>him.</em></p><p>Angeal could deal with... pains and aches. If it were just his body failing him, he could keep going. But this thing Melpomene was saying... He couldn't accept that. Degradation was not a kind of death he would have ever chosen, but he refused to believe it would affect Nora.</p><p>Having Jenova's cells in him he could maybe handle. But to lose his daemon, to lose what made Angeal <em>human...</em> no. No, he couldn't accept that.</p><p>"How are you so calm about this?" Nora said.</p><p>Unexpectedly, Melpomene flapped her wings, letting out a loud caw. "Calm? You think this is me being calm? I can't feel Genesis! He barely even feels like<em> my</em> Genesis anymore! I don't know where he is, what he thinks, he could get shot right now and I wouldn't even realize it! I'm watching my human lose his mind and I don't know how much is the degradation and how much is our bond flickering out, for all I know one day it may die out for good, and you think I'm calm?"</p><p>Melpomene hopped away. Her feathers were ruffled, and Angeal realized it didn't just look due to how she had puffed up now. It was like she hadn't been preening properly. She had always been so particular about the way she looked.</p><p>Nora took a step towards her. "I'm sorry. Melpo, is there a way-"</p><p>"To fix it?" Melpomene said, her voice steady once again. There was an edge to her tone, as if she were struggling not to explode again. "Curing the degradation, I suppose. That could be a start."</p><p>"Would that-"</p><p>"I don't know, Nora. I'm not a scientist. I don't know if what's already broken can be fixed. Now go away. Spend some time with Angeal, while you still can."</p><p>Angeal and Nora glanced at each other. <em>While you still can.</em> Even if their bond died out, they would not leave each other. No matter what happened, they were one. Nora was his soul. He couldn't imagine abandoning her, nor her abandoning him.</p><p>"I know what you're thinking," Melpomene said. "And no."</p><p>"No?" Nora repeated.</p><p>"You won't stay by each other's side. You think it now, but you have no idea what it's like. I'd rather be on my own than see a stranger wearing Genesis's skin."</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Angeal wanted to rip Hollander's tongue out. Make him shut up once and for all, stop all those sick words falling out of his mouth.</p><p>He didn't. He wouldn't act that way in front of Zack. Despite everything, he was still the boy's mentor. Monster as he may be, it wouldn't do to do that kind of thing in front of him, wouldn't it?</p><p>As if what he was going to make Zack do was much better.</p><p>
  <em>You don't have to do this,</em>
  <span> Nora said in their mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>Do you have a better suggestion?</em>
</p><p>She didn't. They had talked about this over and over in the past weeks. Nora's protests had slowly died out. She knew there was no other solution.</p><p>He was glad he could feel her. The moments when their bond seemed to fade out had gotten more frequent. He was happy that she was one with him for the last time.</p><p>
  <em>It's cruel to put this on Zack.</em>
</p><p>It was. But who else could Angeal put this on? Genesis would refuse. Sephiroth... Sephiroth's emotional balance had never been the best. Angeal may have betrayed Shinra, but he still cared for Sephiroth. He didn't think Sephiroth would be able to handle killing one of his two only friends.</p><p>Zack was the most positive person Angeal had ever met. He was full of hope, and friends, and dreams. Would this hurt him? Probably. But he'd bounce back. Angeal was sure of it. He'd come out of this stronger, and that was what he needed. Someone had to deal with Genesis, and it was clear by now that Angeal couldn't.</p><p>Maybe Angeal wasn't as lucid as he could be. It would be pointless to deny it, not when he had seen what Genesis was turning into. But better to put an end to it now, than to let it spiral out of control.</p><p>"Zack. Remember what I said? About our enemy being all that creates suffering."</p><p>"Yeah. But you're not one of them."</p><p>Zack, Zack. He always did try to see the best in others. Angeal would never understand where did all that trust in humanity come from, and most importantly how had Shinra not killed it yet.</p><p>"But I created my own suffering," Angeal said. "Zack, let me show you."</p><p>The copies came easily at Angeal's command. He had perfect control over them. Their bond to him was almost stronger than the one he had with Nora.</p><p>What was he, if not a monster? A soon to be daemonless abomination, whose only connection was to these creatures and to the monster whose cells he carried. Whether he was killed or lived on, Angeal Hewley was going to die soon.</p><p>Better make his death a dignified one, while he still could choose.</p><p>"Don't do this," Dalia whined. She must have guessed Angeal's intentions. She had always been quicker than Zack on the uptake. It was good for Zack to have a smart daemon next to him.</p><p>"It's better this way," Nora told her.</p><p>"No! It can't be!"</p><p>"You don't know the alternative."</p><p>
  <span>Angeal hadn't seen Genesis and Melpomene go near each other in twenty-six days now. He had counted. Melpomene looked worse than she had ever done. Angeal wouldn't want that for Nora. She had always been so beautiful, so elegant in </span>
  <span>her golden browns </span>
  <span>and quiet strength. Angeal couldn't stand to see her break.</span>
</p><p>He hoped Genesis could find the cure for himself. That, or that Zack would take him out soon. He was proud, once. Loyal. Strong. Clever. He had been Angeal's best friend, and a great man. The state he was into didn't suit him. And Angeal didn't want to end up that way too.</p><p>He glanced at Nora as the copies rushed at him. He knew somehow that their bond wouldn't be able to handle what was about to happen. His soul had not been considered important when he had been made. For the time it would take Zack to kill him, Nora would be alone.</p><p>He hoped she forgave him for turning himself into this.</p><p>
  <em>Of course I do.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Featured daemons:<br/>Nora - golden eagle<br/>Melpomene - Eurasian magpie<br/>Dalia - pitbull</p></blockquote></div></div>
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